Parenting is a potent force for good and for ill.  God created a pattern and natural power in parents which is universal, creating universal results, good or bad; except in the cases where God makes a decision to show mercy when mercy isn’t warranted; where the course the parents have set is headed toward disaster and God mercifully intervenes.  The power which God has bestowed on parents is children will do what you do, but not always what you say.  The power is especially potent when what you do is one and the same with what you say, and the child discerns no contradiction between the two.  Authenticity always strikes a responsive, efficacious chord; but authenticity is absent when a disparity between actions and words, being and speaking, doing and prevaricating is the norm.  Even the smallest child has instinctive abilities to discern authenticity or the lack thereof.

Given the truth of original sin, a fallen world, and a shrewd enemy, God knew parents would need superhuman help.  His strongest promises to us in the Scriptures are related to parenting and the responsibility of the older generation conveying to the following generation the message of salvation and truth . . .  a path to victory.  But it is not a message cast in words alone; the words must put on clothes; that is, a living evidence of paternity: who is your Father?  God’s promises are straightforward and discernable, accomplishing their purpose and goal in a life where they are believed and claimed, and the proof is always in the pudding of who you are and are becoming.

No matter what your theological tradition, if you accept the authority of God’s Word, the COVENANT is an essential element of the Gospel.  The covenant God the Father made with His Son, Jesus Christ, and subsequently with all those who are in Christ by faith, contains promises backed by the power of God, confirming them, and making them work to your and your children’s good.  God is saying in the covenant to parents who live in that covenant,  “Your efforts will not be in vain when you do what you say and say what you do in obedience to Me as you exercise parenting.”

When our children or some of our children live as though God is not their God, the failure is not God’s covenant, nor Him, but our own parenting.   Augustine once said, give me a child until he or she is seven and they are mine for life.  The formation of a child’s heart begins long before we think it does, even when the communication is yet unintelligible.   Fortunately for us when that time of formation in the home is past, we still serve a God of mercy and compassion.  Therefore, it always behooves us as parents to never stop crying out to Him to intervene in their willful rebellion and turn their hearts to the Father.  God never gives up on His side of the Covenant, neither should we on our side.   Even when your children have left the home your work is not done, though a larger portion of it will be on your knees.   Work on your own fitness for heaven, and pray for your children’s.

1. The internet has more on it than you can begin to imagine.  You can go to websites and learn how to make drugs from everyday items, their effects, danger, etc…to the chemical makeup of LSD or how to make Crystal Meth.
2. Don’t underestimate a child’s power to deceive.  The more they deceive the better they become at deception.  Practice paying attention to your child when they’re younger and it won’t seem so strange to them when they are older.
3. Don’t be in denial about your children and do not think that your child would not do what others do.
4. Bailing your child out does not help them one bit.  Actually, it hurts more than you can ever know.  Most kids know this already…they just don’t care because they have already learned that there are no real consequences.  Telling them that it’s going to be all right doesn’t help either.  They need you (parents) to hold them accountable for their actions.
5. Sex is happening all the time.  You have to know what your kid is doing at your house and what they are doing at other people’s houses.   Most things will happen at your house if there is already a history of doing it there.  Kids get comfortable with a routine and the only way to find out what is going on is to disrupt that routine randomly.  This doesn’t just apply to sex…it is for everything.

Let’s state the obvious by just getting it out in the open that everyone of us is someone’s child.  Everyone of us also has memories of our childhood.  Everyone of us has been influenced by our past.  Everyone of us has had a hero or someone they watched and idolized at an early age.  Most often, that person was their parent.  So parents, remember your youth and recognize that you are your child’s role model.  Research states that whether you know it or not, most youth look to their parents and other family members for their examples.  Is that not your own experience?  So if it is, what do we do with that?  What happens to that hero?  Have you remained your child’s hero?  What is our role in the family?

As a father of a rapidly growing 7 year old, I often think of the example I am setting for my son.  And that literally, is what the word means.  We see in scripture that Jesus is referred to as the Son of God and ‘son’ means the ‘example of.’ Therefore, Jesus is the ‘Perfect Example of God.’ It is the Perfect Example of God who was incarnate.

So, if son means the example of, then we must recognize as parents that children are examples of their parents.  Throughout scripture, you see it this way: David was the son of Jesse who was the son of Obed who was the son of Boaz.  Literally, you could say that David was the example of Jesse who was the example of Obed who was the example of his father Boaz.  In the person of David, we know a little bit about his father, and his father before him.

We as children, are examples of our parents.  And this is a key component of the role of the family.  Families provide:

1. an example
2. an identity
3. moral, social, and economic support
4. influence in a family member’s life that lasts a lifetime
5. boundaries providing security and structure in which one can grow and flourish

Yet according to a study conducted by the University of Missouri:

1. Dads spend 8 minutes a day talking to their children
2. Working mothers spend 11 minutes
3. Stay-at home moms spend less than 30 minutes

So, in raising children, do we look at it from the perspective of a lifetime or from a day in day out experience? The key piece of the family is a deep commitment by the parents to parenting and raising their children.  Commitment is not demonstrated by a week’s trip to Disneyland or the beach or the mountains.  A deep commitment is shown over time, day after day.  Remember these four things

1. 1. Respect is earned
2. 2. Make time for fun – deliberately plan to be around each other
3. 3. Encourage – learn each other’s assets and strengths
4. 4. Communicate love consistently – not just in words but in actions

The recent floods in Des Moines, Iowa and the floods in Florida this week provide a great analogy.  Generally a river or stream has clear borders.  Water needs to be contained.  When the water is contained, the countryside, trees, and foliage which are near the banks of the river are beautiful.  But when that river no longer remains in the banks to control its flow, there is devastation and chaos as a flood will destroy the surrounding environment.

The family provides banks and boundaries for its members.  Parents establish those “banks” for their children. Without them children have no “home,” no security, no place to feel safe, no refuge to run to in trouble, no safe harbor in which to grow and develop.

One of our most natural weaknesses is being consistent; in our love, our discipline, our time commitment, our self-control, our application of God’s Word. This is the precise reason we need daily reminders, daily strength, daily encouragement. God says in Lamentations 3:20 that “His grace is new every morning.” Every day is a new day because of God’s grace. The actions of yesterday do not need to control the actions of the future if you take it to the Lord, confess the sin, and ask for His grace to begin anew. You cannot do that that too many times! His grace is infinite!

So in understanding the role of the family, particularly the role of parents who set the tone for the family, here is some simple advice:

1. Speak openly and honestly think before you speak!
2. Praise the positives!
3. Spend time regularly doing things your children enjoy. This doesn’t mean that you have to cater to their every interest but it does mean you should spend the time learning what they are really interested in and developing those skills. Each child has their own unique talents, learn your child’s talents rather than forcing your interests on them.
4. Eat meals together and engage in family activities on a regular basis
5. For those who drink alcohol, make some of those dinners or social events alcohol free to show your children that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time or to relax.

You are never alone in carrying out the work and calling of a parent. Like minded parents with whom you can become friends can become a help and encouragement as you traverse these years together. God never leaves us or forsakes us when we call on Him and ask for His grace. A healthy and vibrant church community can become a great resource for parents and their children. Use what God has provided for families and parents. Remember, God works through and with families.

So, here are 11 points of perspective as we raise our children:

1. Time
a. Children spell love T-I-M-E
b. Be deliberate…intentional about how you are going to spend time
with them
i. This may be any number of things like reading to or attending
their school functions.  Time is not just a one week vacation
to the beach.
ii. Work is not more of a priority than your family…it is merely
an excuse. Remember that if you succeed at work and fail at
home, your failure in one will always impact the success in
the other.
c. Take time to see what they see and hear. Not where you want to go
and what you want to see. Parenting forces us to lose a lot of “self.”

2. Set an example – be genuine…how you live, how you act, what you do…
it matters. Children hear and observe far more than we imagine. They are
patterning their lives after something, what pattern are you setting?

3. Let them express how they feel
a. It is okay for your child to be scared. They can be scared of ghosts,
school, a new environment, people, getting older, dying, relationships,
and any number of things. It is not what you know, but it is
what they know. Let them respectfully and freely express those
feelings with you.

4. Express how you feel
a. About them
b. How their actions made you feel
i. Remember when you correct your child, that it is their actions
you are correcting, not they themselves that you are correcting

5. Listen
a. Respect is earned so earn the right to be heard

6. Stability is safety which comes from:
a. Protection and consistency

7. Praise and encourage
a. Offer more positives than negatives.  And be optimistic…
it’s contagious.

8. Don’t make idle promises or threats:
a.  No one can truly ground their child for long periods of time so do not
say something you do not or cannot practically keep.

9. Control your own emotions
a. While it may feel this way, it is not about you!

10. Be aware of their age not yours
a. Remember, it is not what you know; it is what they know
i. Don’t expect a 9 year old to act like a 15 year old in their
maturity…they simply cannot

11. Appreciate that they are different from you:
a. It is not your goal to create a mini-me. Embrace and encourage your
child’s skill sets, even if they do not match up with your own.
b. Sit back and watch them
i. Most of us learn by watching.  Watch your child as it will better
help you understand their temperament and abilities.

Children who have healthy self-esteem generally lead happier, more hopeful, and more productive and more fulfilled lives than those who do not. Those with a healthy sense of who they are look to the future with greater confidence and enjoy more satisfying relationships in the present.

The challenge for parents can  seem insurmountable because no one can give self-esteem to another. But parents have the opportunity, like no one else, to create an environment where love is unconditional, responsibility is shared, virtues are rewarded and mistakes are forgiven. These are the foundations of a family built for nurturing self-esteem in children.

What is self-esteem?

It’s hard to define. At its core, self-esteem is the way we view and value ourselves. It’s the inner confidence and trust that says we’re important, that others accept and even love us, that we’re capable of making a significant contribution to the world, and that we have a purpose in life. All children possess a powerful, innate need to feel connected to others in a significant way. It gives us a reason to get up in the morning and supplies the courage to take risks, persevere when we fail, and to pursue meaningful friendships and healthy intimacy with loved ones. Healthy self-esteem comes from knowing that you are loved, have value to others and a purpose in this world. Self-esteem gives a child the confidence and the strength to deal with life’s ups and downs. Kids who have healthy self esteem shine like a bright light.

The foundation of self-esteem: unconditional love

The essential ingredient of healthy self-esteem is unconditional love. All children need to know that someone loves and accepts them just as they are–the bad as well as the good, the weaknesses as well as the strengths, the failures as well as the successes. Children need to know that no matter what they do, no matter how smart they are or are not, and no matter what they look like, at least one person in this world will always stand by them, believe in them and love them unconditionally.

In early life, children who feel safe and warm in the warmth of their parents’ arms, develop the belief that they are worthy of love and attention. They learn to love themselves because their parents loved them first.

This sense of security translates into the courage and confidence they need to try new things, overcome frustration, master challenges, and develop satisfying friendships. When they accomplish these things they simply “feel good” and act happy.

God’s gift

All children wonder about things like “Where did I come from?” and “Why am I here?” You can boost a child’s self-esteem by explaining that God has made them to be one of a kind and has a special plan for their life. If your family attends church or synagogue, tell your child what you believe and why. Knowing that they are connected to others with the same beliefs and values will instill an appreciation of traditions and the importance being part of something eternal. Pray for, and with your children. A  study reported in The Journal of the American Medical Association confirmed that children from families who place a high importance on personal prayer and religion are less likely to use drugs, become sexually active or suffer from low self esteem.

Children draw tremendous strength and comfort from their family’s faith and in knowing that God loves them and has a plan and purpose for their life.

Copyright Dr.Drew Edwards.

While this is a generalization and there are always exceptions to the rule, in most cases, athletes and celebrities are self-consumed and focused on a singular goal: success.  Little gets in the way as they hone their craft, working diligently, over and over to become better.  Though a strong work ethic is more than admirable, and developing discipline is a necessary part of growing older, holding celebrities and athletes to this high standard of being a role model is not practical.  More than that, it raises the question of why we choose those who are famous to be role models.  Is it because they are celebrated, have reached a higher social status, or is it because they have qualities, and character attributes that we want to emulate?

The problem for us is that those we most often aspire to be like are usually from a different socio economic level.  Unfortunately, the wealth that we observe among well known athletes and Hollywood idols has significant influence on who we would most like to be.  Someone who is wealthy, or is well known, does not by default mean they are people after whom we should model our lives.  In fact, when our definition becomes mostly about what we aspire to have and not who we ultimately want to be, the role model we have set before us is ourselves.

Of late, we as parents have failed to teach our children what a real role model looks like. 

A real role model:
1.   has qualities that we would like to have or keep.
2.   is someone who we aspire to be like and is noticeable for how they live their lives.
3.   Impacts us and makes us want to be better people.

So what are you going to do and what example are you following?  Do they align?  If these are not just words, then here are some steps to being a role model for your children and others.

Step one:  Know who you are. That means you will want to have friends who are not pretending to be something they are not.

Step two:  Be unique.  It is more than fine to be different.  That does not mean being different just for the sake of being different.  Instead it is being comfortable with who you are.  One of the most liberating moments in life is when you come to grips with your own weaknesses and you are okay with that.

Step three:  Be kind and focused more on others than yourself.  Learn how to give credit to others and notice the example they set.  Live in such a way that your life can be seen and respected so that it may be said of you: “who can argue with a life so well lived!”

Our children have an enemy. He seeks to steal, kill, and destroy the life and the plans that God has for each one of them. This should spur us on to daily lift up our children in prayer to the Father. If you knew that someone was harassing or physically harming your children, you would do everything in your power to protect them. It should be more of our concern to protect their spiritual well-being than their physical health. We parents have the same enemy they do: an enemy who does not want us to pray for our children.

You and I would never send our children out in the cold without a coat. Yet, on a regular basis, we send them out into the world without spiritual armor. In Ephesians 6:10-20, we read about the spiritual armor, which is essential for each member of the body of Christ, regardless of age. I have a dear friend in the Caribbean who never allows his children to leave home without prayerfully placing each piece of armor on them. Because we are often in a rush so we won’t be late, this spiritual exercise sounds a bit tedious. Would you go out or allow your child to leave home naked? The reality of spiritual warfare should cause us to pause and consider the importance of our prayers for our children.

In Matthew 13, Jesus gives us the parable of the sower. The sower sows many seeds, many of which never reach their designed growth. Only a few good seeds thrive. The question arises: what can we do to better our chances of having a good seed grow instead of a bad seed? Ask any gardener…he knows.

A fruitful garden takes time and patience. The ground needs to be carefully tilled and prepared; the right nutrients must be added to enhance each seed’s growth. The rocks must be removed, and furrows made to guide the growth of each individual seed. Once the seeds are planted, even greater care is required to maintain proper growth of the garden. The gardener needs to regularly water it… uproot the weeds that spring up… protect the garden from insects and wildlife,… carefully examine each plant, to make sure it is free from disease. He knows the painstaking work that goes into each planting season and has good reason to give thanks when his garden produces a bountiful crop. This is a perfect picture of the eternal principle of sowing and reaping. When we sow good seeds and nurture them properly, we WILL reap blessings. That is God’s way…and His promise.

We have to ask ourselves: are we giving such meticulous care to our families? Are we planting the seeds of truth, righteousness, integrity, values, and character? Are we liberally watering our child with love, prayer, encouragement, and consistent discipline? Then the toughest question of all: are we taking the time day by day to nurture these precious seeds, stand guard over them, ever-diligent to ward off even the slightest threat to their maturity? If we are, then our child will turn out OKAY.

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The lady had briskly left her seat about midway in the center section of the church pews and had taken her nine year old son by the hand and removed him from his seat on the front row. At first I thought her action meant on the spot punishment for the boy or at best his longest reprieve would be until she got him out the front door of the church.

My assumption concerning the woman’s intentions proved to be one hundred percent wrong. Her anger was not directed toward the boy she was now leading out the door of the sanctuary: it was toward me. The unmistaken evidence of this was not only the icy stare she had given me as she had glared at me behind the pulpit but also her verbal outburst as she walked out the door. “No one is going to talk to MY child like that!”

My words had triggered this incident in the packed church where I was speaking. I had performed several feats of strength and was about eight minutes into my message when it became absolutely necessary to speak to the group of boys on the first pew concerning their conduct. They were progressively getting out of hand and beginning to disturb the entire service. The apparent leader of the misbehavior was the lady’s son who was offended by my mild scolding, which went something like this: “Fellows, settle down. Remember you are in the Lord’s house.”

I am always reluctant to correct young people in the audience, because I know there is a possibility that it will be embarrassing for their parents or the audience as a whole. Regardless of my feelings in this matter, if we were to continue the worship service, my reprimand was necessary. When the woman retrieved her son and chastened me with such a fiery tongue lashing, I realized a direct rebuttal from me was essential in order to salvage the remainder of the service. I knew there was a possibility that the other boys’ parents might follow the outraged lady’s example, which would destroy the entire evening. After a two second prayer for guidance, I said, “We can protect and even rescue our children from situations brought on by their misbehavior when they are small and the transgression is minor, but, we cannot deliver them out of a prison when they grow up.”

Now came the critical time. What would be the congregation’s reaction to my remark? Would they all walk out? Could I expect a silent and “zombie-like” audience for the remainder of the service? No! I immediately heard several loud “amens” from all over the building and the rest of the evening was “spiritually enthusiastic,” to say the least.

As parents, we need to know how other adults see our children. Other adults are not blinded by the love and protective instinct we possess. By listening to the way teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders, and other interested adults see our boys and girls, we will be better equipped to guide and direct them.

Heath Ledger in
I’m not there

As I looked at this every day on my way to and from work, the sadness of that title was profound. And though, not trying to draw too many conclusions or metaphors from the title, I could not help but think how in many ways, that when we are at home with our spouses and our children, often we are there in body, but not really there in mind.

I hear parents ask the same question: “when my son/daughter is home, it seems like he or she is not really there.” Or “all my son wants to do is sit in his room and play videogames. He seems withdrawn and distant.” What those parents seem to be saying is that they are with us in body, but are not really there in mind. While it is easy to ask that question aloud concerning our children, I wonder how true it is for us as not only spouses, but also as parents.

How do we anchor our children to reality and to us as parents, when so often we are disengaged ourselves?

We live in a self-created fiction yet cannot ignore reality even in our fiction. That is a pretty deep way to start to answer the question, but it is true…we create our own sense of reality. Our children merely emulate our behavior. This virtual world that we see in the internet, 500 different cable channels, thousands of movies, an author on every corner, text messaging, living life on phones did not create itself. We have created a world, a fiction that surrounds the universe of me. As parents, we have passed that on to our children and given them new tools and a faster way of doing it.

But how real is that fiction? And what is the problem with doing it anyway? Everyone likes to escape reality from time to time don’t they? I know I do.

For me, I use entertainment as a way to escape reality. Often it is a book, a movie, or even a television show. Lately, the internet has been a way for me to explore my interests….a virtual library at my fingertips. Is there really anything wrong with me doing this?

This is when I begin to live in my own fiction. The fiction that tells me I am the only one who matters: the only one I need to worry about pleasing. In the words of Terrell Owens; “I love me some me,” and that is the crux of the problem. We are generally so enamored with ourselves that we really are not there. “There,” is the reality of life. “There,” is the place most often we are trying to escape. We often have trouble anchoring ourselves as parents and our children to the reality of life. Life exists on the other side of fiction.

What does that mean? Heath Ledger, truly, is no longer here, and that is the reality of life. He was trying to escape from his own reality with no knowledge of the consequences that would come. Drugs for so many people are an escape, yet they are perilously used to seemingly add color to a life that seems dull…black and white.

Life is fleeting and it goes all too quickly. Yet given the speed of life, how do we establish a sense of permanence in our children? How do we anchor them to the reality of life and the permanence of hope?

Certainly it seems that anchoring our children and ourselves to reality is a challenging task. Life, in many ways, seems odder than fiction. A newspaper on any given day can make that point for us, but a recent article suffices. According to the Australian newspaper, The Telegraph, “suicidal pets are getting anti-depressants, particularly tropical birds such as parrots which seem to have been the most affected by depression.”

The news and the advances of technology on any given day make it seem as if reality is a moving target and challenging at best. From birds taking Prozac to robots that are being developed so we can have virtually interactive sex, it would appear that reality changes with each generation.

However, in a shifting culture, there are principles that we as parents need to embrace so to anchor our children and ourselves to reality.

• Reality is not relative nor, is truth. If reality and truth were relative, then no one would ever be wrong.
• Truth does exist. O.J. Simpson either did or did not kill his wife. The fact that you or I do not know the answer does not mean that an answer does not exist.
• In the words of Dr. Samuel Johnson: “The fact that there is such a thing as twilight does not mean that we cannot distinguish between night and day.”
• We cannot merely live virtually, apart from others. E-mail, voice mail, and the phone, are all ways that we now seek to live our lives without interacting with others. The virtual touch has become easier than the personal touch. We however, are built to be in relationship. Virtual interaction, will never be as good nor as challenging, as the real thing.
• We all need down time. We all need to relax. Weariness is not an excuse to entertain ourselves into isolation, into our “own reality.”

Technology and culture will change. The movement of society is not an excuse to let ourselves and our children be absent in our own homes. Weariness is not an excuse to let our children retire to their rooms, live virtually on the phone or internet, watch their TV, apart from us. We allow them to do those things because it is easier. It allows us to live our own lives, while ignoring theirs. But it is not reality. We as parents need to guard ourselves from escaping reality. In doing this, we can prevent our children from escaping into their own fiction.

The other side of fiction is reality. It is a world we all live in, and we are not alone in it.