Mike Mason, who has written in my opinion one of the best books on marriage (The Mystery of Marriage), recounts his conversation with a friend when he told him he intended to write a book on marriage based on a phrase from a verse in Proverbs, “as iron sharpens iron.” The friend wanted to know what he planned to say about the verses which immediately precede this phrase: “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day; restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.” (Proverbs 27:15-16). Before men or husbands blurt out, “how true, how true!” remember the Bible requires of its readers knowledge of its complete context, which includes, a few chapters later, the strikingly beautiful passage of Proverbs 31:10-31 beginning with, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.”

Mason points out the tactlessness of the Bible in its confronting of reality; telling it like it is. He writes, “Marriage is also a tactless affair, full of awkwardness and indelicacy, as unromantic at times as a sinkful of dirty dishes.” This is an intriguing part of the profound mystery in marriage; God declaring His truth through two sinful, self-centered individuals actually becoming one flesh. In the practice of marriage we almost always fail to grasp what this means, much less live out marriage as one flesh. In so doing we also fail to reap the reward of this union as God has made it possible.

There is no doubt God sees and declares the marriage union of two as one flesh, yet their individuality remains. Therein lays the mystery. But we emphasize our distinctness and maintain our “rights” as individuals above celebrating or “fleshing-out” the nature of being one. The sexual physical union is an expression of this one flesh mystery, but God’s purpose extends far beyond the physical, for we are more complex beings than merely physical. Do you see and treat marriage differently than God’s declaration and design?

Two individuals are capable of being in two separate locations, and in this mobile society frequently are. Do you live as though your spouse is with you when they are not?  You may often be with one of the spouses of a one flesh union when the other is not present. Do you speak to that husband or wife as though the other is there? Do you treat them as though their spouse is present with you? How many marriages would be more protected if this were the case? Do you teach your children about this one flesh relationship by living it before them? If you did there would be little possibility of a child manipulating one parent against the other to get a different answer. They would come to know that speaking to Mom is consistent with speaking to Dad. It is how marriages ought to be, because this is the way God intends it. Marriage would be seen in an entirely different perspective were you to truly believe two become one flesh in marriage and that your union with Christ your Savior is comprehended in living out your union with your spouse. The implications are numerous; the application of God’s truth in marriage is yours by faith.

Is marriage passé?  In a January 14, 2011 article Natalie Portman, unusually successful as both a child and adult actress, revealed her latest view on marriage. Apparently, many young women are taking her advice. Portman told a reporter that the reason she was drawn to her latest movie, “No Strings Attached,” was because the main character whom she plays “was simply seeking a no-romance bed buddy as opposed to the whole nine yards.” Portman said, “Emma (the main character) wants a relationship without the relationship. She just wants the sex. It’s unusual but funny. I love romantic comedies, but I’m tired of seeing girls who want to get married all the time and that’s all they’re interested in. I think there is a wider vision of how women can conduct their lives and what they want.” Normally, I wouldn’t give a plug nickel for views on the institution of marriage from “experts” like Natalie Portman. The problem is she is a “role model” for many young girls and women who think emulating her will lead to happiness. The rapidly rising rate of suicide among teenage girls, the increasing failure of married and unmarried relationships, and an epidemic of emotionally scarred and broken people seems to point to a paucity of happiness in spite of piles of propaganda to the contrary.

It is worth noting that Portman displayed some values in her earlier acting career refusing to play parts where nudity or sex was expected, and turned down acting in films like Lolita, denouncing sex between young girls and adult men. Apparently, her life in acting has had an eroding influence on her once-held values. The Scripture verses above seem very passé, even glaringly offensive in present culture; a culture that has invaded even the church. Most turn a blind eye in this day and age to young people living together in the days, months, and years before marriage, and many more who never bother to “get to the altar.”

Is marriage passé today? Does it have any value in a “modern” world? Or is God just the Grinch who stole Christmas in commanding that a man and a woman reserve sexual relations for marriage, and ought to honor the marriage bed by being faithful to one another? The prevalent spin of the world and its puffed-up “wisdom” says God is hopelessly wrong. The blatant evidence of the wounded society in which we live and the scattered carcasses of individual lives, shattered relationships, and damaged children says He is right. It is not that God is throwing cold water on “fun,” His purpose is to save what is lost; to heal and restore what is being destroyed; to inculcate what alone will result in happiness that lasts.  Portman will live to rue the day she said, “I think you can find both men and women that are into non-emotional relationships, because you get hurt, and you don’t want to invest emotions in that way again”; especially the day she is in love herself (emotionally, passionately; Is there any other kind?) and someone stomps on her heart because they now want an un-emotional relationship with her. Natalie, your philosophy simply doesn’t hold water and is not worth a cup of warm spit.

Marriage will never be passé for those who not only believe God, but discover the joy of walking in His commands. The individual glory of a man or a woman whom God calls into the covenant of marriage is discovered in the intimate happiness of that union and in bringing forth godly children. This is exactly what God declares in Malachi 2 and in many other passages of the Bible. Say what you will till the cows come home, His way produces gold and silver; Natalie Portman’s, filthy rags.

1. They can get easily get sex without marriage
2. They want to enjoy single life as long as possible
3. They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises
4. They face few social pressures to marry
5. They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn’t yet appeared

Unfortunately too many young men believe that life should emulate a beer commercial and thus, cling to their single life as long as possible. When they finally meet a special woman and decide to commit, they bring a lot a lot of baggage and regret into the relationship, which decreases the likelihood that the relationship will last.

Marriage is a sacred covenant between a man, woman and God. Like nothing else, marriage reflects the pro creative and complimentary nature of God.Thus, marriage is the cornerstone of civilized society. and provides for the physical, emotional and economic health of children and communities. For guys, marriage is a commitment of the deepest kind. To esteem one person above all others, to become one flesh, to put her needs above yours, and to love courageously and sacrificially is the hallmark of a man worth marrying.

In a two-parent family, the father should be the disciplinarian and the mother the nurturer. That is God’s ideal. When a couple divorces, the single mother (often) is forced to assume both roles, which makes it extremely difficult for her. The non-custodial father sometimes does not want to resume this role, reasoning, “I spend so little time with my child anyway…I surely don’t want to discipline him/her all the time.” Add stepparents to the mix and a child’s natural resentment of his/her intrusiveness in his/her life, and we can certainly understand why a child is having a hard time responding to discipline. We are a society where children are, in many cases, empowered and in control.

One thing lacking in many families is a proper “fear of the Lord.” Parents need to give heed to the God of the Old Testament as well as the New. The Old Testament contains spiritual laws of cause and effect, of sowing and reaping that God put into motion thousands of years ago…and those laws are eternal, and timeless. When we follow them, He promises blessings. When we do not follow them, we reap sorrow. That is the Law…and the Law is eternal Truth. Instead, many Christians have opted for their interpretation of the New Testament God: Jesus meek and mild, and have chosen the role of caretakers who cannot do anything harsh to their child because they may hate them! You are not your child’s buddy: you are your child’s parent!

Families are crumbling because parents have abdicated their roles as the authority figures and have instead attempted to become their child’s buddies. Trying to be both will never, never work. Children must have a healthy fear of their parent. In Psalm 111:10: “The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.“ A healthy fear is when we recognize who is in authority over us, and this wisdom moves us to respect and obey that authority.

My late husband, Paul Anderson, I believe, truly inspired the “fear of the Lord” in our boys. His presence was awe-inspiring, with his booming voice, his authoritative demeanor, his strong yet gentle spirit that made everyone around him/her feel safe and secure. How beautifully, for the thirty-three years he helmed the Paul Anderson Youth Home, did the boys respond to him/her. In contrast, I cannot help but observe the families of the boys who come to us…for the most part they lack the strong father figure who depicts the “authority of God” within the family. Because so many fathers have forsaken this God-given role, our children are growing up not only in a fatherless world, but in a world guided by women whose very nurturing nature is contrary to the role He designated for the “family head.”

Anderson’s Applications:
“Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life. If I had to give a piece of advice to a young man about a place to live, I think I should say, “Sacrifice almost everything to live where you can be near your friends.” I know I am very fortunate in that respect;” so penned C.S. Lewis in a letter to a friend. But do not confuse his advice as it relates to what kind of friends may come to your mind. Lewis also said, “The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.” He wrote quite a bit about the value and the meaning of friends, because it was so precious to him. He did not marry until late in life, and then but for a brief time, though a time and relationship of great joy. Friends, like the wife he loved in brief marriage, and those male friends before, do not come in great numbers. This side of eternity there is but time for a small number of friends who are “soul mate” travelers in traversing successfully a most weighty (a “weight of glory”), yet treacherous pilgrimage of life.

Yet there are those who have never experienced such a friend, even though they are or have been married. Friendship of this quality with a spouse is “worth far more than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10) But God’s revelation speaks also of the friendship we have with those where romance and the love of lovers is not its nature, but as Lewis describes, “We picture lovers face to face but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.” In Lewis’ The Four Loves, you can study in detail the different “loves” that characterize friendship in marriage versus a friend of the same gender, often not even a relative; like Jonathan and David, or possibly Mary, Joanna, and Mary (Luke 24:10).

We are all in need of such a friend, or if so blessed, friends. A word study of “friend(s)” in the Bible will lay before you a diversity of “friends,” some of whom are a snare, and others who are of precious value. If we do not enjoy the treasure of a mutually wise and spiritually beneficial fellow traveler or travelers, we need to be in the business of earnestly asking our Father in heaven. “We have not because we ask not.” Consider Lewis again, “For a Christian there are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of the Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to his disciples, “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every pair, or group, of Christian friends, “You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another.”

This present culture is certainly not an incubator for such friendships or the valuing of them. The frenetic pace of 21st century living is the enemy of those friendships which cultivate holiness and a hunger for godliness. It is easier to succumb to the entertainment of technology than to “sacrifice” time to discussing the deep things of this life and of eternity, while encouraging a mutual pursuit. “Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard.” (Malachi 3:16) It may well be “easier,” as falling off a mountain is easier than climbing one; but it is never, ever as satisfying or as rewarding.

Encouragement:
“Abba Father, give me a friend or friends who have my righteousness and eternity in their heart as I do theirs.”

Anderson’s Applications:
In a young woman’s life there is no greater time of anticipation, excitement and joy than the few months before her marriage to the love of her life. In the midst of just such a time Mary was stunned by the message of a supernatural messenger. I have never seen an angel, but those who have, whose encounters with one or more are recorded in Scripture, have this in common, they somehow know that they are seeing and speaking to one. Mary did not go screaming out of the room, even though the angel Gabriel’s appearance and greeting was, to say the least, “greatly troubling” to her. Who wouldn’t be shocked by such an encounter? Mary’s response, however, to a message that must have sent earthquake tremors through her heart, and initially shattered the anticipatory joy in which she had been reveling, was as shocking, at least to me, as the angel appearing in the first place. It is not a response that most of us would have if we were to receive this information in the midst of such a celebratory time in a young life. Her response to the announcement that she would soon be pregnant with the Son of God, before marrying or “knowing” her beloved Joseph, is a model of genuine faith. What is more, it is the classic illustration of what it means for us to pray as Jesus lived and then taught us, “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”

As we begin a new year, eight years into a new millennium, I can think of no greater desire to have for our life, and for those we love. Yet is this petition of the Lord’s Prayer so common, so “by rote” for us, that it does not even come to mind when we think, “What do I want most for my life in this New Year?” And if we consider it, what does it really mean? What am I really asking when I pray for my Heavenly Father’s kingdom to come and for His will to be done on earth, in me, as it is in heaven? What does this mean for my life and my circumstances? Does it mean that my body should be healed from what ails it? Does it mean that money will magically appear to pay all my bills because reportedly heaven is free of things like debt? Does it mean that my night of depression will flee and joy in my relationships and career will replace it? How will my life change? Can I afford to pray such a prayer and want it answered? Our real quandary is whether in unspoken reality we want to substitute “my” for “thy.” “My kingdom come, my will be done.”

Admittedly the many texts of Scripture concerning God’s kingdom can be bewildering as we seek a simple interpretation to a complex subject. The kingdom is spoken of in Scripture as future, and yet present. Jesus said His kingdom was not of this world, and again that it was in our midst. But Mary’s example helps us put the focus where it needs to be. God’s kingdom comes into our own life when we recognize, accept and love Him as King, not only of things external to you, but of my very own life. He rules me; He is my authority; He is in practice my sovereign; and I have perfect trust in whatever He chooses to do to me or my world. My greatest desire is that God do with me as He will and I will be joyfully content, for I know I am in good hands. This is Mary’s example. This action of God involved her heart, her feelings, her body, her health, her marriage, her life. These ceased to be her own as she responded with faith and trust; she was the Lord’s. “Be it unto me as You have said, for I am your servant.” It is very possibly not the characteristic most prominent in your life right now. But it can be your greatest desire in 2008. And if in 2008, then why not until He returns? If so, you will not be unprepared.

Encouragement:
“Heavenly Father, in 2008 I want to seek first your kingdom and your righteousness in my life. Rule in me first of all and then in my world.”

C.S. Lewis when still a bachelor, which he was most of his life, was asked in some of his correspondence if he had ever been in love, with the intimation that until he had, maybe he should refrain from talking about it. He wrote, “You ask me whether I have ever been in love. Fool as I am, I am not quite such a fool as all that. But if one is only to talk from first-hand experience on any subject, conversation would be a very poor business. But though I have no personal experience of the thing they call love, I have what is better the experience of Sappho, of Euripides, of Catullus, of Shakespeare, of Spenser, of Austen, of Bronte of, of anyone else I have read. We see through their eyes. And as the greater includes the less, the passion of a great mind includes all the qualities of the passion of a small one. Accordingly, we have every right to talk about it.” I might add to Lewis’ words, we have every reason to celebrate it.

Everyone has in some way been touched by “love and romance.” In almost all cases we are the product of it…at least in our parents. And if anyone has loved or been loved by another, this is the product of God’s love. “We love, because He first loved us.” (I John 4:19). We “sour” on something like Valentine’s Day for any number of reasons: its commercialization, the lack of love or romance in our life, or because we believe we have no one to love now, and there is no one to love us back; or just because we think we don’t need some made-up holiday to inspire thoughts about love and romance. We believe that we can do that without help and in our own way.

Now before you think this is solely a defense of Valentine’s Day, it is not just that. It is a defense of the celebration of love and romance, and its necessity in our individual lives and in the life of our family. It is an encouragement to the appropriate expression of it by parents in the sight of their children. It is a statement about life as God designed it to be lived. Our God is a God of love and romance who has designed it into our very fabric. If there is a day in the year intended to remind us of love and romance, and help us celebrate it, then, glory be, let’s do it! But don’t relegate it to just one day of the year, or even fifty or a hundred.

As with Christmas or Easter, the meaning of Valentine’s Day can and should be celebrated every day of our lives. Unfortunately, there are days we do not feel like celebrating anything. On such days it is difficult to relate to the Apostle Paul’s words, “Rejoice in the Lord always,” or “In all things give thanks!” Love and romance ooze with rejoicing and thankfulness. Still our experience is that they do not kindle each day as on our wedding day, or those days we were filled with love for our spouse, compelling us to romance them. Romance is a highly individualized expression of affection toward the one we love. It is the language of love expressed in all manner of communication, including and beyond the spoken word.

In any marriage love and romance fuel the relationship in the right direction; otherwise the tank eventually runs dry. They are servants not only to husband and wife bringing joy to their pilgrimage; their love and romance are servants to their children tutoring them about the essentials of life: what it means to be a man or a woman, a husband or a wife, a father or a mother. Just as the womb of the mother was a place of security, protection, and nourishment for the developing baby, so is the home for the growing child. Love and romance between father and mother are necessary ingredients to the child’s emotional health and maturing. Children know when and whether it is genuine, just as they hunger to see it and rest secure in it. They flourish under its umbrella, and they find satisfaction for their emotional needs.

But how is love and romance in a marriage sustained? Lewis wrote in his little classic, Mere Christianity: “Love, as distinct from “being in love” is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced (in Christian marriages) by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

Children are a gift from God to a marriage, an expression of His grace. When a couple realizes the powerful impression upon their children that love and romance between them makes, they will be encouraged all the more to pursue it with year-round habit and not wait for the annual Valentine’s Day reminder.

God would not have woven it into our very being if he had not intended it to some magnificent purpose. There is the glimpse and more of love and romance in Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz, the Song of Songs; it is in the wooing of God toward His people throughout the Bible, the myriad expressions of Jesus the Bridegroom pursuing His Bride; it is in His brothers and sisters who pattern their marriages after the glorious relationship of Jesus with His church.

Psalm 84 acknowledges that in this world we are in a desert described by the Psalmist as the Valley of Baca. He has blessed many of us with a companion for the journey, and the Psalmist says, “As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs…They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.” Such is the nature and beauty of love and romance. They are springs in the desert for those couples who find strength and passion for their love in Him. Set your heart on such a pilgrimage!