Parenting is a potent force for good and for ill.  God created a pattern and natural power in parents which is universal, creating universal results, good or bad; except in the cases where God makes a decision to show mercy when mercy isn’t warranted; where the course the parents have set is headed toward disaster and God mercifully intervenes.  The power which God has bestowed on parents is children will do what you do, but not always what you say.  The power is especially potent when what you do is one and the same with what you say, and the child discerns no contradiction between the two.  Authenticity always strikes a responsive, efficacious chord; but authenticity is absent when a disparity between actions and words, being and speaking, doing and prevaricating is the norm.  Even the smallest child has instinctive abilities to discern authenticity or the lack thereof.

Given the truth of original sin, a fallen world, and a shrewd enemy, God knew parents would need superhuman help.  His strongest promises to us in the Scriptures are related to parenting and the responsibility of the older generation conveying to the following generation the message of salvation and truth . . .  a path to victory.  But it is not a message cast in words alone; the words must put on clothes; that is, a living evidence of paternity: who is your Father?  God’s promises are straightforward and discernable, accomplishing their purpose and goal in a life where they are believed and claimed, and the proof is always in the pudding of who you are and are becoming.

No matter what your theological tradition, if you accept the authority of God’s Word, the COVENANT is an essential element of the Gospel.  The covenant God the Father made with His Son, Jesus Christ, and subsequently with all those who are in Christ by faith, contains promises backed by the power of God, confirming them, and making them work to your and your children’s good.  God is saying in the covenant to parents who live in that covenant,  “Your efforts will not be in vain when you do what you say and say what you do in obedience to Me as you exercise parenting.”

When our children or some of our children live as though God is not their God, the failure is not God’s covenant, nor Him, but our own parenting.   Augustine once said, give me a child until he or she is seven and they are mine for life.  The formation of a child’s heart begins long before we think it does, even when the communication is yet unintelligible.   Fortunately for us when that time of formation in the home is past, we still serve a God of mercy and compassion.  Therefore, it always behooves us as parents to never stop crying out to Him to intervene in their willful rebellion and turn their hearts to the Father.  God never gives up on His side of the Covenant, neither should we on our side.   Even when your children have left the home your work is not done, though a larger portion of it will be on your knees.   Work on your own fitness for heaven, and pray for your children’s.

Other children may not profess Jesus as their Lord and Savior and live as though He is until they are older. As parents, our responsibility is to pray the following for our children, persevering in our prayers as we anticipate seeing God’s work manifested in the fruit of their lives:

• salvation
• conviction and repentance of sin
• a heart of flesh and not of stone that is tender toward God
• public profession of faith: confessing Christ before men
• living witness that bears testimony of the Lordship of Christ

We are promised in Proverbs 22:6: “if we train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Chuck Swindoll’s interpretation of “in the way he should go” means more than training our children in spiritual virtues. It means discovering their particular calling or “bent.” What has God placed in our child’s personality? What are his or her abilities? What is the “bent” of his or her heart and mind reflecting his or her peculiar gifts? We as parents need to look for his or her “bent” and pray this into reality, so that when he or she grows older, he or she will answer God’s call and be used for His glory.

God has given us covenant promises concerning our home and our children. A covenant has two parts, blessings and curses. God tells us if we obey His precepts and keep His commandments, He will bless not only us but also our children. However, if we do not obey Him, not only we parents, but also our children and future generations, will be cursed instead of blessed. (Genesis 9:9, 17:7, 18:19, Deuteronomy 6, Psalm 103, Luke 1:50, 72-75, Acts 2:39, 1 Corinthians 7:14)

All parents have had fears about losing their children, as when walking in a crowded mall or their innocently wandering away from home. We have worried about accidents that might potentially affect them and sometimes fear their moving far away. This often arises because we fear that we will not see them or our grandchildren as much as we would like. From the time they are infants, we should pray for God’s will in their lives and that He would use them for His glory. That may mean that He will call them to be missionaries in a foreign country. It may mean that God will choose to call them home to heaven at a young age. In any case, we must remember that they are the Lord’s. Our prayers for them should reflect that truth. We must entrust our children back to God. They can be in no better hands.

It is never too early to begin praying for a godly spouse for your child, a life’s partner who would walk with him or her in the faith and be an encouragement to his or her growth in grace. If God has not called your son or daughter to be single, the most important human relationship he or she will have in life is the one in which Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church, is to be reflected. Marriage is ideally a testimony of the way Christ loves us and sacrificed Himself for His people (Ephesians 5:21-33). Parents know personally how important the relationship of husband and wife is to every other relationship, and to the joy and fulfillment of life. Earnestly asking God to show your son or daughter the best tools of godly discernment in choosing a marriage partner is a critical element in seeking the righteousness of not only your “child” but also his or her children (Psalm 103:17-18). Our children and their children are a treasured object of God’s covenant promises to believing parents. We parents bear a vital responsibility in the development of our children’s discernment in the choosing of a life’s partner. This partner will be the father or mother of our grandchildren, as well as our “child’s” most intimate companion for his or her life. Our praying for this from conception onward will cause your heart and mind to be attuned at the appropriate times to those specific godly truths you can teach and exemplify in helping them grasp and treasure romance, marriage, and family.

Our children have an enemy. He seeks to steal, kill, and destroy the life and the plans that God has for each one of them. This should spur us on to daily lift up our children in prayer to the Father. If you knew that someone was harassing or physically harming your children, you would do everything in your power to protect them. It should be more of our concern to protect their spiritual well-being than their physical health. We parents have the same enemy they do: an enemy who does not want us to pray for our children.

You and I would never send our children out in the cold without a coat. Yet, on a regular basis, we send them out into the world without spiritual armor. In Ephesians 6:10-20, we read about the spiritual armor, which is essential for each member of the body of Christ, regardless of age. I have a dear friend in the Caribbean who never allows his children to leave home without prayerfully placing each piece of armor on them. Because we are often in a rush so we won’t be late, this spiritual exercise sounds a bit tedious. Would you go out or allow your child to leave home naked? The reality of spiritual warfare should cause us to pause and consider the importance of our prayers for our children.

Here are some tips:

• Start a conversation by asking open-ended questions. Open-ended questions…
  • cannot be answered “yes” or “no”
  • allow your child to give spontaneous and honest answers—she should tell her story in her own words
  • usually begin with:
    • “Tell me about…”
    • “Describe…”
    • “To what extent…”
    • “What was that like?”
    • “Help me understand…”
• Affirm his worth, courage and challenges. Affirming statements show your understanding and appreciation. For example:
  • “I know how hard this is for you.”
  • “You showed a lot of courage.”
  • “You overcame a major obstacle last week.”
  • “I am so glad you are home.”
  • “You are doing great this week.”
  • “No one does this perfectly.”
  • “I am proud of you.”
  • “I love you.”

   

Remember that recovery from addiction is a long walk that is best taken in the company of loving involved families.

The lady had briskly left her seat about midway in the center section of the church pews and had taken her nine year old son by the hand and removed him from his seat on the front row. At first I thought her action meant on the spot punishment for the boy or at best his longest reprieve would be until she got him out the front door of the church.

My assumption concerning the woman’s intentions proved to be one hundred percent wrong. Her anger was not directed toward the boy she was now leading out the door of the sanctuary: it was toward me. The unmistaken evidence of this was not only the icy stare she had given me as she had glared at me behind the pulpit but also her verbal outburst as she walked out the door. “No one is going to talk to MY child like that!”

My words had triggered this incident in the packed church where I was speaking. I had performed several feats of strength and was about eight minutes into my message when it became absolutely necessary to speak to the group of boys on the first pew concerning their conduct. They were progressively getting out of hand and beginning to disturb the entire service. The apparent leader of the misbehavior was the lady’s son who was offended by my mild scolding, which went something like this: “Fellows, settle down. Remember you are in the Lord’s house.”

I am always reluctant to correct young people in the audience, because I know there is a possibility that it will be embarrassing for their parents or the audience as a whole. Regardless of my feelings in this matter, if we were to continue the worship service, my reprimand was necessary. When the woman retrieved her son and chastened me with such a fiery tongue lashing, I realized a direct rebuttal from me was essential in order to salvage the remainder of the service. I knew there was a possibility that the other boys’ parents might follow the outraged lady’s example, which would destroy the entire evening. After a two second prayer for guidance, I said, “We can protect and even rescue our children from situations brought on by their misbehavior when they are small and the transgression is minor, but, we cannot deliver them out of a prison when they grow up.”

Now came the critical time. What would be the congregation’s reaction to my remark? Would they all walk out? Could I expect a silent and “zombie-like” audience for the remainder of the service? No! I immediately heard several loud “amens” from all over the building and the rest of the evening was “spiritually enthusiastic,” to say the least.

As parents, we need to know how other adults see our children. Other adults are not blinded by the love and protective instinct we possess. By listening to the way teachers, coaches, spiritual leaders, and other interested adults see our boys and girls, we will be better equipped to guide and direct them.

When Jesus came to a tree that was withering, it was obvious by its fruit. He did not mince words. Parents need to be able to tell by their child’s behavior if he/she is headed for trouble. Below are what I believe to be the six greatest indicators that your child is headed for trouble:

1. Disrespect showing little regard for your rules or your feelings
2. Disobedience stretching the rules, or challenging them
3. Mouthiness or talking back
4. Association with questionable friends
5. Disregard for coming in on time or heeding curfews
6. Love for music with lyrics that feed rebellion

These behaviors should be totally unacceptable. If a child is allowed to get away with them, his/her behavior will digress. If he/she shows no respect for your authority as his/her parent, he/she will show no regard for any form of authority in school, the workplace, and/or society, much less God. The only way a child can avoid this is if we as parents take our responsibilities seriously and drive the foolish behavior out of him/her. We must watch our children and be diligent stewards of them.

If I were to categorize the biggest behavioral problems I see in teenagers today, there are seven: Anger, Apathy, Deceit, Depression, Disrespect, Laziness, and Rebellion. The latter, of course, is the core behavioral problem out of which all the others emanate. Satan rebelled against his Creator, and refused to submit to God’s ultimate authority. He rose up and asserted himself to wrestle God for control. Isaiah 14:14 describes his real motivations:

“You said in your heart, ‘I will ascend to heaven; above the stars of God I will set my throne on high.’”

This is exactly what a problem child does: he/she stands defiantly against his/her parents and refuses to submit to their authority and in doing this, are trying to put himself/herself above their parents authority. When the parent fails to hold him/her accountable, the child takes over and begins to rule. It is at this point the family begins to disintegrate…and will continue to do so until the child is stopped or until the family is destroyed. Even in that scenario, what the child has learned is the power he/she is able to wield. Our only hope is for parents to wake up and take back their dominion to be THE AUTHORITY in the home. Parental control is a God-given responsibility. Our children have been entrusted to us to mold, to care for, to protect, and we are not taking those responsibilities seriously when we do not maintain order in the home. God tells us to “take the land” and “possess it.” What else could this “land” refer to except that which is ours…our families?

The purpose of discipline is to teach children four key principles of living a life pleasing to God:

1. Conviction realizing where we have gone wrong;
2. Confession asking God’s forgiveness for our wrong behavior;
3. Forgiveness claiming what God freely offers;
4. Change Behavior practicing the new principles God shows us.

As children mature, they require stronger discipline measures than a stern look; but God has provided a way to tell if your methods are working. Proverbs 29:17 says, “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest.” Very simply, if your child is not giving you rest, you can know you are not disciplining him correctly. Though there is much controversy in our society over spanking, the Bible teaches its merits. If your child is not giving you rest, I encourage you to re-examine what God says about spanking.  I believe the greatest change that could happen in America would be if parents went back to spanking their children at a young enough age when they respond well. Then by the time a child is 8 or 10, he/she would not require a spanking.